During a recent period of high stress, I watched myself beginning a nosedive of despair. Though there is always a bit of me that wants to follow a dive when they happen because it feels like the natural course in a way, this time I had too much responsibility to take that ride.
Fortunately, I had just found a link through a coaching newsletter for a book written by Brooke Castillo, called Self Coaching 101. Her writing is influenced by some of my favorite spiritual and personal development leaders, such as Pema Chodron and Byron Katie. Ms. Castillo has written an ebook (free at this moment of publishing) that is so easy to read and to apply that it took only a matter of an hour or so of applying her method to pull me right up out of my despair and looking ahead into the present and the near future.
Here’s the gist:
When something difficult happens, we take a look at the following categories in this order:
1.  circumstances
2.  thoughts
3.  feelings
4.  actions
5.  outcomes
I hope I don’t do too much of a disservice to her work, but this is my synopsis of the flow of the work.
Circumstances happen. To all of us. What happens next, and what separates one person’s experience from another is the way we think about it. Those thoughts provoke actions which create outcomes.

The outcomes of our process are actually a tangible method to measure how negative thoughts weigh in on the quality of our lives.  Sounding too abstract?  Here’s an example:

Circumstance:  Your car gets towed on a frigid night out in the city.

Thoughts:  I am so stupid!  Why didn’t I look around for signs on the sidewalk?  I am always doing things like this and now I need to pay some dumb tow company $150.00 to get it back.  That’s what I was going to buy Christmas presents with.  Why would they do this to people during the holidays?  I have such bad luck!

Emotions: Panic.  Despair.  Frustration.  Remorse.  Loss.

Actions:  Angrily storm into the tow company’s office and complain about the policy.  Throw down your hard-earned money and have a really crummy ride home.

Outcome:  Reinforced sense of being stupid when the tow company employees respond to your rant by telling you it’s your own fault.  Ruined night on the town and deeply discouraged about the holidays.  No lessons learned. 

Ok, so if we take a more thoughtful approach, an approach that is spacious and uses some deep breath to look for our responsibility and what to do to prevent this happening again, it might look more like this:

Circumstance:  Your car gets towed on a frigid night out in the city.

Thoughts:  Wow.  My car isn’t here.  Now I see a sign that warns about towing during winter.  My bad.  This is going to be expensive.  Not fun but I can handle this and be more careful in the future.

Emotions:  Discomfort, yet balanced and focused.  Nobody likes to have a car towed.

Actions:  Decide to get a hot cup of coffee and find a taxi to the tow company.  Write your check for $150.00 and wish them happy holidays.  Think about all the fun parts of the night before the car was towed, and brainstorm gifts for your family/friends that don’t cost money…e.g. take them sledding, make a meal, burn a CD, write a poem.

Outcome:  Lesson learned, plus a feeling of capability that you handled a difficult situation without losing your grip.

Where would you tend to fall in response to that situation?  Somewhere in the middle?  Just as outraged?  Can you see the beauty of the process of finding a more thoughtful solution?  With this work, when you find yourself coming unhinged and can see yourself going into a negative spin, just ask yourself what thought might help you to feel better.  Even a little better.  One can see that the outcomes are quite different.

I purposely used an example that wasn’t particularly ‘deep’ in a personal sense.  Is there a situation in your life that really hits a nerve?  If you take some time to think about and write out your responses and outcomes I assure you that you will gain insight.  Try this out for yourself with a situation you’re in, and maybe it will illuminate a blueprint of a pattern of reaction.   Relationships, work stresses, finances, plans; whatever seems old and stuck.  All of these things can be transformed gradually by applying this cognitive shifting technique.

Wishing you many blessings during this holiday time.